Thursday, April 24, 2008


(In other places, other forms, I have long griped about having to navigate long lines at all the food stations, the salad bar, and then the cashier, just to get lunch. Today was a day, like any other day. But because I'm cranky, I decided to confront my frustration through satire.)

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Twentieth Century Fox Studios was devastated when it was hit with yet another sudden torrential downpour of lunch at approximately 11:42 am Thursday. Caught completely by surprise by the event, chaos ensued as Fox commissary workers scrambled to keep their heads above water, braving cash registers and hot tables to try and stanch the flow of lunch which pounded away mercilessly at the studio's meager resources.

"It was horrible," wept Imelda Nunciago, 26, a commissary cashier. "They just kept coming. Plate after plate, tray after tray, sushi package after sushi package. And the soft frozen yogurts, topped with sprinkles!! It never seemed to end. We have barely been able to hold on!"

Fox emergency supervisor Perry Goldwinkle said, "This has happened before. We thought we were ready for it. But how can you predict something like lunch, for God's sake? And lunch this heavy -- this unstoppable? It's impossible."

News Corp. chairman Rupert Murdoch could not be reached for comment, but an unnamed source close to Murdoch was quoted as saying, "We here at News Corp sympathize with the victims of this lunch, and the company intends to do whatever it can to help people recover and get past it."

The heavy lunch was expected to continue until approximately 2:30 pm Thursday, with scattered snacking and a possible dinner arriving later Thursday night. No word yet on whether Governor Schwarzenegger plans on declaring Fox a disaster area, making it eligible for FEMA assistance.


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