I'm discovering as time goes by that sitting at my desk, doing… uhmmm… well… "deskly" things, for lack of a better word, is becoming more and more difficult. Instead, I'm all caught up in reading online newspapers or TIME magazine or Salon.com. I have to fight with all my energy to get anything done that's on my desk.
I have a bunch of agreements to distribute. I have a bunch of filing that needs purging and sending away. But I can't seem to bring myself to get to it. Why is that? I have managed to get my reading and writing for school done. I have managed to post to my blogs and make comments on the blogs of others. So why can't I bring myself to get excited about distributing Maria Bello's signed agreement on FLICKA?
It's a rhetorical question, of course. I already know the answer. It's quite simple, really. You want to know what it is?
See… I want to do this thing. This writing thing. But before I can do this thing, I have to that other thing. That contract thing. Because it's the other thing that subsidizes the big thing I want to do. Barring a big win in the lotto (I'm on my way -- I won $12 on Saturday), I'll have to do the other thing a while longer. And I really must start getting better at it again.
I used to be great at the other thing. I used to be the Queen of the Other Thing. People still think I am. They ask me questions. They come to me for answers. I want to scream at them.
"Don't bother me, damn you! Can't you see I've got this thing now?"
But they can't see. They don't know. And it's just as well, since I need to keep doing the other thing to support the writing thing. This thing.
It's six o'clock. I have to get ready to go home now. I have to go home and write.
See… I've got this thing….