Ever since I posted the thing on "The Thing," I've gotten some interesting responses -- some in comments, some in e-mail form -- about relationships and whatnot. Good advice, from women who have found Mr. Right... Or rather Mr. As-Right-As-He's-Ever-Gonna-Get-Cuz-Nobody's-Perfect-Right? I made a point on the Chron of stating that I have spent the last year and a half, two years choosing not to fall in love. Actually, I've spent the last six years choosing not to fall in love, but I had a brief reprieve with a long-distance relationship with someone I loved (still love, in many ways, in fact) dearly.
I think the main concern I've been having lately is that by choosing not to choose, choosing not to get involved, I have maybe set myself up for something I hadn't anticipated. I notice -- mostly while doing "The Thing" -- that the idea of even entering into a relationship invokes feelings of genuine fear and anxiety. I look at my father -- old and alone -- and I think maybe the acorn doesn't fall too far from the oak. Maybe by choosing not to get involved with anyone, and reiterating that choice every day thereafter, I've only made it harder to find someone or to imaging myself with someone.
I start tearing a relationship down before I even enter into it. "He's too neurotic." "He's too smooth and flattering." "He couldn't possibly find me attractive (despite all evidence to the contrary -- like, he asked me out!)"
Alone is safer. Alone is more comfortable and less trying. Maybe it's the "full plate" issue. There really isn't room for one more thing before the end of the year. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think its something inside that I am refusing to address.
I worry I may be destined to be alone. Or maybe I just think I'm destined to be alone, since my mother ended her life alone and without companionship, and my father seems headed down the same path.
Now may be the time to choose something else. Maybe that's what is cooking deep inside this issue. Now may be the time to chuck caution to the wind and put myself out there. The last time I did that, it didn't work out so well. But I didn't die from it.
Hmmmm....
All of this is just thinking out loud, isn't it. Yes, well.
We'll see.
~C~
(illustration: "Dry Spell" by C.A. Sowards, 2005)
But we don't come into the world alone. By the very nature of birth, we are with family and others (the "others" are either paid to care or there because they really care), the moment we enter the world. Unless, of course, we are talking about a poor soul born in a bathroom at a high school dance or born and thrown away in a dumpster. But for most of us, we were not alone...
ReplyDeleteI believe we were created in our very essences to NOT be alone. We function better as humans with a network, a village, a family.
I am guilty of doing just what Catharine has been doing. Choosing to not put myself out there, after having done so extensively after leaving my marriage of 10 years (10 years ago).
It's not MUCH consolation, but Catharine, you will never be alone. Although we both prefer humans with penises as mates, we will always have each other, no matter what... I'll be there for you.
Now... onto doing that Thing. Men ARE lovely, aren't they! :D
Indeed, Deirdre -- know that when I say "alone," I am in fact ONLY referring to the lack of Y chromosome. I am fortunate enough NOT to be alone.
ReplyDeleteAs for humans and their prediliction for association -- I do believe that, like other higher primates, we are societal beasts, designed genetically to live, if not in large tribes, then at least in extended family units.
But we have that, don't we. So, no matter what, we'll be picking each other's nits.
Okay... that metaphor totally grossed me out. But it does illustrate my point.
~C~
Nothing... except the part where your mother wraps you in paper towels, dumps you in the wastebasket, then goes out and dances the night away.
ReplyDeleteThat part kinda sucks, I think
Sad, unfortunately, but all too true.
ReplyDeleteCNN - Teen charged with murder in prom baby death - June 24,1997
Miss Drexler cut a deal that sent her to prison for 15 years. I think she got off light, the dumb, selfish bitch.
~C~
Yikes - regarding the prom girl (and most recently, the USC blondie that dumped her newborn in the dumpster only 50 yards or so from a firestation) - there should be a test before some people can spawn.
ReplyDeleteCatharine - you are hot, talented, lushious, smart and I love your art more and more each time I see it. This one (Dry Spell) is right up my alley in terms of things that make me stop and look at it for a good long while. And it's been my experience that it's okay to choose not to actively seek out companionship while you're feeding your soul with other things - all while keeping an open mind and approachable self. You can choose not to go out looking - while simultaneously choosing not to shut the door to the possibility of it entering your life. That's how Manpants and I ended up together. Two people, not looking, not wanting to look, pretty against the whole idea of putting ourselves out there - and we ended up together despite our best intentions. And he's a pretty good catch it turns out. So am I.
You most definitely are.
God love you, Mil. From your mouth to God's ears. Or at least to the ears of... (gasp!).... you almost got me to reveal my secret crush, you clever girl.
ReplyDeleteOne can only hope that I've found one who is out of the Manpants catalogue.
~C~